Y Button Launches Surprise Attack on X Button

X Button civilians on the border awoke to the sounds of heavy machine gun fire and artillery shots in the early morning this past Wednesday, after the Y Button army flooded the Northern region of the X Button with infantry, armor, and aircraft.

The invasion began at around 6 a.m. CST on Wednesday, with Y Armor spearheading the assault with air support, having infantry follow close behind. By 9 a.m. a full X counter-strike was assembled and engaged Y troops at the border.

When fighting reached a standstill at around 3 p.m., Y forces reorganized and met a portion of X’s army stationed in the neutral A Button. Presently, combat zones are the most intense in the north regions of the X Button and eastern regions of the A button.

“People of the X Button, war is upon us. Barbaric actions by our northern neighbors are determined to bring misery and oppression to our lands. Stand with me and meet our foes, long live the X Button!” Prime Minister of the X Button said.

Tensions have been high in the region ever since the 2001 release of Super Smash Brothers Melee, which caused a schism between players who used the X or the Y button to jump. This attack is the not the first instance of violence between the two buttons, having had multiple armed conflicts in the past.

Experts have already noted the economic impact this current conflict will have on short term wavedash prices, with a price-per-wavedash (PPW) at around 109.20 USD and rising (up 237% from yesterday’s price of  46.08 USD). Neighbors on the B and Z buttons fear that the conflict could expand into their territories if further combat is continued, and have each called on the U.N. (United Nintendo Controllers) to help find terms of resolve for both parties.

The non-aligned nation of tap-jumpers, which is a minority group located in the western side of the controller, have not released an official statement. Early theorists have suggested that the tap-jump citizens on the control stick see this as an opportunity to increase their power in world politics and influence.

The Turnip will be providing updates in real-time to follow this conflict as it develops.


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