Smasher Harvests Own Kidney On Stream for Summit Votes

THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, USA — Smasher Garrett “Simplicitus” Paza is making waves after pulling off what is possibly the most ambitious and stupid Summit voting schemes of all time — harvesting one of his urinary organs on stream using a nearby shoehorn. 

“I didn’t think he would actually do it,” said some Twitch user with username too stupid to write here. “I told him if he did it, I would donate to his cause.” Others in the chat quickly urged the same. 

Simplicitus then, according to the user, ripped off his shirt without a moment of hesitation and began to  tentatively prod at his left kidney using the aforementioned shoehorn, which he was apparently “safekeeping for a situation just like this”.

Viewers looked on with a mixture of amazement and pity, but mostly pity, as they saw the twenty-year old Smasher from Slicklizzard Swamp, Alabama, then boldly attempt to fish out his own renal organs in the name of his “loyal, well-meaning fans”. 

 “Oh, THIS is going too far?”, cried the bleeding and crying Simplicitus, responding to the increasing amount of concern shown by his viewers. “Just wait and see what else I have for you bitches.”

Simplicitus, though literally unknown to anyone outside the Slicklizzard Swamp scene, has nevertheless been heralded as the areas most “talented Little Mac main” with a “really sick dash-dance”. Some even say he shows considerable promise at Summit based off his unverifiable 2-1 win on Nairoby “Nario” Quezadas’ thrice-removed half-twin lesbian cousin, who also lives in the Slicklizzard area.

Simplicitus, standing triumphantly, his kidney held gloriously in the air with pride, then proclaimed: “And if you vote for me, I promise I will show the competition more of what I’m truly made of.”

Every one of his Twitch viewers unanimously regarded the gruesome act as “horrible and reprehensible” before subsequently donating more money for him to “now eat it”. 

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